Sunday, September 16, 2007


We watched the movie "Thank you for Smoking" on Friday night. I heard about the movie briefly way back when, then Friday it entered my brain somehow and I was dying to rent it. Its a very interesting movie - I definitely recommend it because its not your average drama, chic flick, or comedy. Its satire maybe? Whatever category - its interesting. The main character is a Lobbyist for the Tobacco Association, Vice President of the organization actually. He is their mouthpiece, defending tobacco products to politicians in DC, the general American public, and anyone else who'll listen, all while death rates from lung cancer continue to escalate. Interesting Fact - not one cigarette is smoked in the entire movie! You root for this guy throughout the entire flick.

The son questions the dad (main character) asking him "how do you do what you do dad?". His response is "I have a moral flexibility most other people don't have." I have morals. I have flexibility. Do the two mix? That's something I'm not sure about but this line in the movie stuck with me. It draws me to the point of being "open minded" and meaning it. Lots of people say they are open minded but - are they? Are they really? Or does it just sound good? I vow to continue being an open minded individual. Once our ideas and opinions are set in stone, to never change again - we don't open ourselves up for learning something new, seriously considering a varying point of view, or comprehending the other side. Another line in the movie says something like "I just don't take anything that seriously. Its not worth it." When I feel myself taking life too seriously - I'm going to recite that line to myself. In my life - I'm seeking happiness. Complete utter happiness. If I get caught up in the morals of others or take life too seriously, aren't I missing the point?

FYI - Last night, J called Husband. K, as it turns out, IS a steeler fanatic. yippee.

Saturday, September 15, 2007


I'm a doubter. Don't misunderstand. I'm an overall positive person who is confident, self motivated, and always planning for the future. Yet, somehow, someway, I often manage to doubt myself! I should order the salad with goat cheese and pecans. Place order. Dammit, I should have gone with the feta and walnut one! I don't doubt every decision, but many. My restaurant order. My job. Where to live. If we should have kids.

To have a baby. Or not. Do we or don't we? Pro's and Con's lists are composed in my head, perks and pitfalls put down on paper. One day my pro's outweight the con's but the next day, its reversed. How do I ever make a decision on this? It's been heavy on my mind for a variety of reasons.

Several years ago I had a molar pregnancy - I won't bore you with the definition of this but basically your body thinks your pregnant yet you never were. Ultimately, I was relieved when that was diagnosed. Husband nor I were either ready for a child, especially me. I've never been the woman who yearns to be a mom, care for a baby, console them when they cry, watch them grow up, etc. Some girls just know they want to be a mom. I was not 'that girl'. My BFF, R, has such a strong motherly instinct - "I'll be a teacher, get married, have kids" she would say. I was the girl who would say "Ehh, I'm not sure I even want kids", especially if I was out hearing babies cry and toddlers whine.

FYI - I have overcome a lot of this child anxiety. Give me a break, I was never really around kids growing up. I was the youngest in my family and just wasn't thrown into babyland at any point in time. It's not like I was a kid hater. I just wasn't 'kid friendly'. I've moved past a lot of that, maybe because of my age. Also, my instinct to have a child of my own has miraculously kicked in I think. This scares me.

Previously, I would see a pregnant woman and think - Poor lady. Doesn't know what she's in for! On top of trying to manage a crazy kid who will grow up to be a teenager, putting the parents through hell, she's destined to be fat the rest of her life! Who WANTS that sort of thing? 'Nuts' I say to self. Then one day, out of nowhere, it hit me. Bam. I see cute pregnant woman, all belly, and my mind says 'Awwee. She is adorable! What a neat experience. To actually having a living human being inside your body. Must be amazing!' "What are you thinking?!!" I reprimand self. Have you lost your bloody mind! You don't WANT that. You don't want to be fat the rest of your life, never able to loose that baby belly of pudge. You don't WANT to be the mom at the store whose kid is running around screaming, throwing themself on the floor, because you won't buy them that hershey bar, with lots of onlookers thinking, gees that kid is a brat! You don't WANT to have a hellish teenager who tortures you with their bad decisions, ignoring all of the morals and values you tried to instill in them. You don't WANT to give up all your freedoms in life. Racking my brain to answer my psychotic thoughts, it crept up on me. 'Well, our kid would be different'. What? I need a drink. This is not ME.

The process continues. I talk to husband. He is the king of 'our kid would be different', 'we would teach them proper behavior', 'its all in the parenting', 'we would be great parents'. Sigh. He's right. As weeks move into months, I find myself looking at babies and children out with their parents and thinking 'awwwee, he's so cute' and 'oh look, she has the most adorable curls!'. Then wanting to slap myself back into reality. Doesn't work.

Moving on. Husband is great with kids, loves them, and knows that he wants them. He's not particularly concerned with the timing. I analyze timeframes. When we should do what where is what I analyze. Husband is a laid back go with the flow man. Good thing - I need that balance.

Within this year, I've been having issues with ovarian cysts, missed periods, and lots of pelvic pain. Thus far, the obgyn tells me its not a huge concern but she can't rule out that it could lead to infertility problems. Infertility. Problems. Words like PCOS and Endometriosis. Huh? No. Not me. Is has been my choice to not have a child. My choice. After being married for 6 1/2 years, Don't tell me I can't. Have I waited myself out? I'm only 27 for the love of God. Obgyn's advice - either get on birth control or start trying to conceive. That's the only way to prevent the cysts. Reality check.

Therefore with my recent attraction to the possibility (keyword - possibility) of having a child, we have THE talk. On the way home from a Labor day trip to visit In-Laws, I corner husband into a serious chat. Wives, FYI, roadtrips are the BEST time for a serious chat with Husbands. They have zero distractions (well, besides other drivers and the radio, so I should say few distractions) so there is no other choice but to actually focus on the conversation and they can't get out of it. Where are they going to go? The backseat? Husband was quick to agree to start trying. We analyze, discuss. Final decision: We'll start trying. I analyze planning and timing. If I get pregnant in Sept, I might miss J's wedding (old friend). And if I get pregnant in Nov, we might miss J and C's wedding (cousin). I love wedding season. Hmm. Maybe Oct? But then it could come early, still knocking me out of J's wedding. Would I be a fat cow err I mean pregnant for a wedding? Ugh. That would kill me. Husband reminds me, it takes months to get pregnant. We'll just start and when it happens, it happens. Okay, I say. Agreed.

My fears: financial fears. protection fears. Daycare is damn expensive. How can we afford it? Money is short now as it is. Then to thrown a grand a month into daycare - hell, we could afford a second house payment for that price. Protection fear - and I think the reason I was so hesistant about kids from the get go - you can't protect your children. You can try. You can bust your ass to ensure their safety. You can do a background check on every person they might encounter. You can teach them don't talk to strangers. You can teach them to tell mommy and daddy is someone ever tries to hurt them. But you can't always be their protection. Ultimately, this is what scares me.

Moving on. We aren't trying. We are just seeing what happens so to speak. No protection. But not having sex every other day and checking my temperature. Just doing it and enjoying it. I've been overanalyzing my body. Was that a cramp? Do I feel nauseas? No, no. Its nothing. Wait, that was a cramp! Months of this would literally make me bonkers. Then back to my opening line of being a self doubter. Thursday night while in class (and needing to focus on Accounting!) my mind wanders to 'we cannot afford to have kids. Holy shit we will be SO broke! This is not a good time. Husband is still working on his bachelors. I am working on my masters. We neither one have an incredible paying job. Oh gees, I hope I'm not pregnant!' Today, Saturday, I'm back to the other side. 'We would manage. Everything would work itself out. No one is ever really ready! And the joy a baby would bring us would make it all worth it'.

Somehow, I've managed to convince myself (on most days!) that our child will be an angel, I'll loose all my baby weight plus a few pounds extra, and feel fabulous after childbirth! The financial and protection fears persist - this is where my doubting comes in. No way to know yet whether its already happened. Every other time I've taken a pregnancy test, I have been in complete fear of those two lines that mean pregnant! Now, I'm wanting the two lines? Am I? See - still doubting!!

Friday, September 14, 2007


"You should call Jay and Kara to see if they want to get together and watch the Steelers game some Sunday, ya know?" I have to throw in "ya know" on the end of many sentence to remind Husband that this requires a response. Often it seems that unless its posed as a question, he sees no reason for a verbal response. I, Wife, find this irritating and now finding myself adding "ya know" onto lots of my statements... ya know? lol.

"Oh yea, I should. It would be fun to watch the game with them cause I know they're big Steelers fans", Husband says.

"How do you know?"

"I grew up with Jay, I'm sure he is - how couldn't he be? He's from western PA. Kara? I'm sure she is too. She grew up right outside Pittsburgh."

"That doesn't mean she's into football though. She might root for the Steelers but, doesn't mean she's a steeler fanatic."

I'm sure she's a Steeler fan hon."

Dammit. I had hoped to have someone to talk with, at least a little bit, while we watch the Steelers games. I like football, don't get me wrong. But I also love conversation. Why do both at the same time? Makes sense to me. Anyway, Husband doesn't really know Kara so I'm hoping he's wrong and she isn't a fanatic over the Steelers. I'll know I'm wrong if we show up at the bar to meet them and she has her face painted black and gold, with a Ben Roethlisberger jersey on, and streamers tied in her hair. Yep, then I'll know.

Days later, I ask, "Oh hey, did you call Jay to see about the game?"

"Oh no, not yet. I will though."

We have this conversation at least two more times whereupon I decide to stop asking.

As Wife, I am the coordinator of our social life. I can't help but wish this weren't so at times. Why can't Husband coordinate a social gathering or two or twelve? Its odd because he loves to get together with friends, his and mine, have drinks, eat dinner, etc. Yet he never initiates this cause he's cool if it doesn't happen. Wife on the other hand, not so much. I need social gatherings, contact with friends on a daily basis, friends I can gab to, share stories with! These things don't matter to Husband. I sometimes wish I could be that way, so independently okay, not needing friends and social events on an ongoing basis. But hey, I'm SO done with trying to change myself. I accept and love myself (yes, a line I learned in counseling! lol).

Husband has not bothered to keep in touch with old friends, high school, college, cousins, or any others. If he runs into them or hears from them, its all this "hey man, great to see ya. how's it going" stuff, like they didn't miss a beat. I say, "don't you miss your old friends?" "Yeah, I do!" Um, okay? I don't get it. On the other hand, I though, have dedicated myself to keeping important friendships intact because I not only need them but enjoy them and couldn't imagine my life without them.

We all have different sets of friends. When you're in high school, you have a "crowd" that you hang with, creating first real friendship memories. These are the friends who you grouped with cause you had a hell of a good time together. Not because you necessarily bonded with each other maybe but - It was all about fun! My high school friend Brooke is my bud. I get together with her when I go home, we ponder on stories about before we had our license, lost our virginity, or got married. Same with high school friend, Steph. She's like my little sis and I'm protective of her.

Then, you move on to college and a mass of strangers. You have more choices and end up with people whom you have a real connection with, forming bonds and everlasting friendships. You chose these friends because they fit you. Robin, my BFF, I met in college and she's just like a sister. I love her and rely on her more than I can say. Something would be missing from my life without her friendship and love. I know that feeling is mutual too. I can also call up my friends Erin, Deana, or Amanda from college, though we've maybe not talked in a month or two, and we pick up where we last left off. I relish in these friendships - these are 'my girls'.

But then - we "grow up", get jobs, and move to cities where we are a stranger among many strangers, in a place where you aren't throw into the masses with folks in the same boat as you. Its not high school or college. Its your job. Its your neighborhood. You become friends with people who maybe you may never would befriended otherwise and/or some who you really connect with. You work with them for god's sake, spending 40 hours a week with them. How can you not become friends? They live down the street from you, so why not? You get to know them out of convenience. And your friendship group continues to expand... I have friends all over the states... 

So sets of friends develop. You have old friends (high school), college friends, neighborhood friends, work friends, church friends. You rely on these different groups of friends for different purposes. Some of them will last a lifetime and others will fade away along the circumstance that brought you together.

Husband and I got together last weekend with Michelle and Todd for lunch at Mad Mex (great cheap mex food in university city area of philadelphia btw!). Michelle is in my group of "work friends" but someone I would have been friends with no matter who, what, when. We email daily, share TMI with each other, and bullshit over silly stuff. Lunch was a great time, good conversation. Everyone always departs saying we should do it more often. Then get in our cars asking our spouses, why don't we hang out with them more often. My work friend Carolyn came over last weekend for wine and food on our deck. Great time. 'Why don't we do this monthly' I say. I'm planning a trip to DC (i'm social coordinator, remember) with Erin and Matt, Erin being a college friend. We've had to postpone this 3 times because we can't get our two sets of schedules to match with their two sets. We now say October! October we'll definitely do this. Yes, agreed.

Life and obligations kick in and we sometimes move these friendships to the back burner, attending to the necessities... then when we do see one another, we realize this is a necessity too! This is something as adults, we need. I vow to continue to carve out that much needed time with my friends... it validates who I am, cheers me on when life is great, and reminds me i'm not the only one that struggles when life throws things in my face.

Husband still hasn't called Jay and Kara. I know this, not because I asked, but because I am Wife:) Should I call them? But I barely know them! They are "his" friends... Come to think of it, I don't even know their phone numbers. Okay, I'm letting this go (another counseling line - love them! lol).

Saturday, September 1, 2007


Anyone needing a good haircut in Waynesburg, PA should go to Holiday Hair and ask for Laura. Got my hair cut and layered there today by this girl and she's awesome - did exactly what i asked for and I'm loving my new style:-) She also did mom-in-law's hair, cut and color, last week and she loved hers as well. Laura comes highly recommended! I think i'll just wait till we come over here for in-law visits to get my hair done... there's nothing like having someone you trust to do you hair!


Love to travel... we do road trips, take a yearly vacation, and hit the highway many times a year to visit our spread out families. Our lastest journey - over to Waynesburg, PA to visit the in-laws for the labor day weekend. Thursday night, we didn't leave Downingtown until 10pm! Arrived in Waynesburg at 2:45AM and hit the sack. Both of us exhausted - husband from not feeling well, me from waking at 4:45am and taking a final that evening.

Friday I got up early to chat with Mom-in-law. I'm a lucky girl - I have the best mom-in-law. Just love her. We chat, catch up, share stories, even a little gossip, while watching 'Regis and Kelly' and drinking too much coffee. Beautiful weather here this weekend... just perfect. Always feels nice to get away from the hustle and bustle of Philadelphia for a few days... a vacation of sort.