July...

Its July... april showers brought May flowers as i mentioned before... and a baby! Yes, we welcomed our newest addition, a 6lb, 12oz, 20 inch long, precious boy. He emerged on the 21st of May and our lives are forever changed. We had weeks that were a blur afterward, a flurry of visits from family and friends. Then they all disappear and return to their normal lives and we are still here with this new little human being. I'm home with him for 16 weeks, until Sept 22 and being a temporary stay at home mom is an adjustment. But i'm adjusting. and cooking. cleaning a little, not as much as i should, taking care of our boy, our dogs, paying the bills despite our tight budget, and getting a little sunshine when i can. 

I now have time to cook up new recipes, experiment in the kitchen, and eat a healthier, heartier diet. Husband isn't as thrilled with most of my recipes as i am (all vegan, and some raw) but i must brag, he always tries them. Husband does eat healthier these days though and he feels better and looks better for it. We both slack on the exercise front... i love to be active, be outdoors, and break a sweat yet, calling it exercise or hopping on a treadmill is ever difficult for me. But if its a brisk walk with the dog, a game of tennis, a yoga or pilates class - i love it. The walk with the dog is possible these days. the game of tennis - not really, with the boy and husband being my only tennis partner. and the yoga/pilates classes have a pricetag attached so thats on hold. 

I'm making a return trip to TN for a long overdue visit... i haven't been home since christmas... over 6 months. I'm anxious to return to my roots, my papaw, mom, dad, my house, papaws house, my forever friends, the laid back country, my hometown, my comfort... theres just such comfort in that place. I couldn't ever live there again... but its still the most comfortable place i'll ever know... and i can't wait to step back there for a week. 

April Showers...

The good ole saying "April showers bring May flowers" better be true... here near Philly, we've been having 'April' showers since December and i can't wait for the clouds to break so spring can truly arrive! It's not freezing cold anymore but more like cold and damp with frequent rain. Personally, its downright depressing. With winter behind us (as well as my pregnancy sickness) I'm very anxious to enjoy some spring like weather with the hubby and dogs before our newest addition is born. About 8 more weeks to go till the kid arrives:)

Since the holidays - thanksgiving/christmas - we haven't traveled out of town - not even to nearby areas such as DC, Baltimore, the Pocono's, NYC, nowhere. Husband is trying to save his time off for when the kid is born and I have taken to not wanting to travel far. This is odd for us. Normally, once winter breaks, or sometimes before, we are on the highway... to TN, Pittsburgh, maybe to SC, up to NYC... we love traveling, the dogs in tow when we can. Guess the kid is already slowing us down maybe... ? Not sure.

Nelly had a birthday in January - she is 6. Sammy had his in February - he is 7. These numbers start to scare me... my little babies are growing old. Especially with Nelly being purebred Boxer, i don't know that she will live as long. Both are still rowdy, playful, and hyper, not letting their age hold them back from a thing... sammy is still the boss, deciding when and if they will play or sleep. nelly follows his every move, playing when he does, sleeping when he does. She would be lost without him. He loves her equally but doesn't like to show it haha...

Had a visit from my parents in March... so nice to have company... be with family. Husband's parents are nesting over in western PA, admidst lots of family drama, that though entertaining and interesting, i won't be posting here. Upcoming plans? A college friend AHB is coming up next weekend and I can't wait to grab lunch together, gushing and gossiping like the old days. Other friends from central PA will be out in a couple weeks - mini baby shower get together.

Then its onto husbands birthday and our 7th anniversary. yes 7 years. wow. 7. its amazing how fast its gone yet i also feel liks its been longer. I can't imagine life without husband. He's such a part of me, who i am, my being. I love him in ways i can't explain... i feel so utterly thankful. I'm still on the fence on his birthday gift and if we will travel for our anniversary as we usually do. I ask husband, "what is your favorite food, like that you would want for your birthday?" Pizza. 'what?! you want me to take you out for pizza for your birthday?! good grief.' So who knows where we will end up dining!!

Pregnancy

This blog has been wildly abandoned, as I have taken to writing (well mostly complaining) on my pregnancy blog... somehow, pregnancy has taken over my life the past several months. In the beginning, I was determined to continue my travels, even more vigorously than before, and maintain a very social, active existence throughout the entire pregnancy. Yet, battling constant morning sickness makes these goals very difficult to achieve. I did well at first but since our trip to DC, my motivation to keep so active has truly dwindled.

November 17 and 18, My friend C and I went on a trip to Woodstock, NY for a Citizen Cope concert. He came to Philly the month before but we managed to talk one another into a roadtrip to upstate New York. Naturally, on the 17th as I packed my bag, the weather channel chatted in the background... I picked up on "several inches of snow for the catskill area..." What? C had nicely agreed to drive, considering my car is a heap of junk these days (yet a heap of junk I really don't want to fix but would be heartbroken if it died - ironic i know). I ring her up... "Did you hear the prediction?" She hadn't. I fill her in and we debate a bit, should we? shouldn't we? It's probably nothing... but, who knows... it could be bad... hmm.

After much debate and many worthless phone calls to one another, we agree to go, despite the fact we're leaving two hours later than desired. The drive up was great. We used to work together and got to chat most everyday, but these days, at different jobs, our chat time is more limited to emails, phone calls, and the occasional gettogether. We checked into our hotel in Fishkill. Dinner was Japanese and I drooled over C eating sushi as I had to stick to cooked foods. The concert was at the Bearsville Theater. A great show and he performed solo acoustic. Coming back on sunday was more visiting and a beautiful drive through big, luscious, white snowflakes in Jersey. A great trip and nice girl time...

C was surprised at the news I was pregnant... and i have since kept her up to date with all the latest woes of my condition as well as the exciting things like feeling the baby move.

Since our trip to Woodstock, I have done very little in the line of being social. We did travel for Thanksgiving as well as Christmas. I was able to attend our usual NYE get together at T&S's house which is all the way across the street... haha. I hope to improvement my 'socialness' very soon and get back to my old self again. This pregnancy is bringing me down... and i want to get back up again!

Child

I'm a doubter. Don't misunderstand. I'm an overall positive person who is confident, self motivated, and always planning for the future. Yet, somehow, someway, I often manage to doubt myself! I should order the salad with goat cheese and pecans. Place order. Dammit, I should have gone with the feta and walnut one! I don't doubt every decision, but many. My restaurant order. My job. Where to live. If we should have kids.

To have a baby. Or not. Do we or don't we? Pro's and Con's lists are composed in my head, perks and pitfalls put down on paper. One day my pro's outweight the con's but the next day, its reversed. How do I ever make a decision on this? It's been heavy on my mind for a variety of reasons.

Several years ago I had a molar pregnancy - I won't bore you with the definition of this but basically your body thinks your pregnant yet you never were. Ultimately, I was relieved when that was diagnosed. Husband nor I were either ready for a child, especially me. I've never been the woman who yearns to be a mom, care for a baby, console them when they cry, watch them grow up, etc. Some girls just know they want to be a mom. I was not 'that girl'. My BFF, R, has such a strong motherly instinct - "I'll be a teacher, get married, have kids" she would say. I was the girl who would say "Ehh, I'm not sure I even want kids", especially if I was out hearing babies cry and toddlers whine.

FYI - I have overcome a lot of this child anxiety. Give me a break, I was never really around kids growing up. I was the youngest in my family and just wasn't thrown into babyland at any point in time. It's not like I was a kid hater. I just wasn't 'kid friendly'. I've moved past a lot of that, maybe because of my age. Also, my instinct to have a child of my own has miraculously kicked in I think. This scares me.

Previously, I would see a pregnant woman and think - Poor lady. Doesn't know what she's in for! On top of trying to manage a crazy kid who will grow up to be a teenager, putting the parents through hell, she's destined to be fat the rest of her life! Who WANTS that sort of thing? 'Nuts' I say to self. Then one day, out of nowhere, it hit me. Bam. I see cute pregnant woman, all belly, and my mind says 'Awwee. She is adorable! What a neat experience. To actually having a living human being inside your body. Must be amazing!' "What are you thinking?!!" I reprimand self. Have you lost your bloody mind! You don't WANT that. You don't want to be fat the rest of your life, never able to loose that baby belly of pudge. You don't WANT to be the mom at the store whose kid is running around screaming, throwing themself on the floor, because you won't buy them that hershey bar, with lots of onlookers thinking, gees that kid is a brat! You don't WANT to have a hellish teenager who tortures you with their bad decisions, ignoring all of the morals and values you tried to instill in them. You don't WANT to give up all your freedoms in life. Racking my brain to answer my psychotic thoughts, it crept up on me. 'Well, our kid would be different'. What? I need a drink. This is not ME.

The process continues. I talk to husband. He is the king of 'our kid would be different', 'we would teach them proper behavior', 'its all in the parenting', 'we would be great parents'. Sigh. He's right. As weeks move into months, I find myself looking at babies and children out with their parents and thinking 'awwwee, he's so cute' and 'oh look, she has the most adorable curls!'. Then wanting to slap myself back into reality. Doesn't work.

Moving on. Husband is great with kids, loves them, and knows that he wants them. He's not particularly concerned with the timing. I analyze timeframes. When we should do what where is what I analyze. Husband is a laid back go with the flow man. Good thing - I need that balance.

Within this year, I've been having issues with ovarian cysts, missed periods, and lots of pelvic pain. Thus far, the obgyn tells me its not a huge concern but she can't rule out that it could lead to infertility problems. Infertility. Problems. Words like PCOS and Endometriosis. Huh? No. Not me. Is has been my choice to not have a child. My choice. After being married for 6 1/2 years, Don't tell me I can't. Have I waited myself out? I'm only 27 for the love of God. Obgyn's advice - either get on birth control or start trying to conceive. That's the only way to prevent the cysts. Reality check.

Therefore with my recent attraction to the possibility (keyword - possibility) of having a child, we have THE talk. On the way home from a Labor day trip to visit In-Laws, I corner husband into a serious chat. Wives, FYI, roadtrips are the BEST time for a serious chat with Husbands. They have zero distractions (well, besides other drivers and the radio, so I should say few distractions) so there is no other choice but to actually focus on the conversation and they can't get out of it. Where are they going to go? The backseat? Husband was quick to agree to start trying. We analyze, discuss. Final decision: We'll start trying. I analyze planning and timing. If I get pregnant in Sept, I might miss J's wedding (old friend). And if I get pregnant in Nov, we might miss J and C's wedding (cousin). I love wedding season. Hmm. Maybe Oct? But then it could come early, still knocking me out of J's wedding. Would I be a fat cow err I mean pregnant for a wedding? Ugh. That would kill me. Husband reminds me, it takes months to get pregnant. We'll just start and when it happens, it happens. Okay, I say. Agreed.

My fears: financial fears. protection fears. Daycare is damn expensive. How can we afford it? Money is short now as it is. Then to thrown a grand a month into daycare - hell, we could afford a second house payment for that price. Protection fear - and I think the reason I was so hesistant about kids from the get go - you can't protect your children. You can try. You can bust your ass to ensure their safety. You can do a background check on every person they might encounter. You can teach them don't talk to strangers. You can teach them to tell mommy and daddy is someone ever tries to hurt them. But you can't always be their protection. Ultimately, this is what scares me.

Moving on. We aren't trying. We are just seeing what happens so to speak. No protection. But not having sex every other day and checking my temperature. Just doing it and enjoying it. I've been overanalyzing my body. Was that a cramp? Do I feel nauseas? No, no. Its nothing. Wait, that was a cramp! Months of this would literally make me bonkers. Then back to my opening line of being a self doubter. Thursday night while in class (and needing to focus on Accounting!) my mind wanders to 'we cannot afford to have kids. Holy shit we will be SO broke! This is not a good time. Husband is still working on his bachelors. I am working on my masters. We neither one have an incredible paying job. Oh gees, I hope I'm not pregnant!' Today, Saturday, I'm back to the other side. 'We would manage. Everything would work itself out. No one is ever really ready! And the joy a baby would bring us would make it all worth it'.

Somehow, I've managed to convince myself (on most days!) that our child will be an angel, I'll loose all my baby weight plus a few pounds extra, and feel fabulous after childbirth! The financial and protection fears persist - this is where my doubting comes in. No way to know yet whether its already happened. Every other time I've taken a pregnancy test, I have been in complete fear of those two lines that mean pregnant! Now, I'm wanting the two lines? Am I? See - still doubting!!