I'm a doubter. Don't misunderstand. I'm an overall positive person who is confident, self motivated, and always planning for the future. Yet, somehow, someway, I often manage to doubt myself! I should order the salad with goat cheese and pecans. Place order. Dammit, I should have gone with the feta and walnut one! I don't doubt every decision, but many. My restaurant order. My job. Where to live. If we should have kids.
To have a baby. Or not. Do we or don't we? Pro's and Con's lists are composed in my head, perks and pitfalls put down on paper. One day my pro's outweight the con's but the next day, its reversed. How do I ever make a decision on this? It's been heavy on my mind for a variety of reasons.
Several years ago I had a molar pregnancy - I won't bore you with the definition of this but basically your body thinks your pregnant yet you never were. Ultimately, I was relieved when that was diagnosed. Husband nor I were either ready for a child, especially me. I've never been the woman who yearns to be a mom, care for a baby, console them when they cry, watch them grow up, etc. Some girls just know they want to be a mom. I was not 'that girl'. My BFF, R, has such a strong motherly instinct - "I'll be a teacher, get married, have kids" she would say. I was the girl who would say "Ehh, I'm not sure I even want kids", especially if I was out hearing babies cry and toddlers whine.
FYI - I have overcome a lot of this child anxiety. Give me a break, I was never really around kids growing up. I was the youngest in my family and just wasn't thrown into babyland at any point in time. It's not like I was a kid hater. I just wasn't 'kid friendly'. I've moved past a lot of that, maybe because of my age. Also, my instinct to have a child of my own has miraculously kicked in I think. This scares me.
Previously, I would see a pregnant woman and think - Poor lady. Doesn't know what she's in for! On top of trying to manage a crazy kid who will grow up to be a teenager, putting the parents through hell, she's destined to be fat the rest of her life! Who WANTS that sort of thing? 'Nuts' I say to self. Then one day, out of nowhere, it hit me. Bam. I see cute pregnant woman, all belly, and my mind says 'Awwee. She is adorable! What a neat experience. To actually having a living human being inside your body. Must be amazing!' "What are you thinking?!!" I reprimand self. Have you lost your bloody mind! You don't WANT that. You don't want to be fat the rest of your life, never able to loose that baby belly of pudge. You don't WANT to be the mom at the store whose kid is running around screaming, throwing themself on the floor, because you won't buy them that hershey bar, with lots of onlookers thinking, gees that kid is a brat! You don't WANT to have a hellish teenager who tortures you with their bad decisions, ignoring all of the morals and values you tried to instill in them. You don't WANT to give up all your freedoms in life. Racking my brain to answer my psychotic thoughts, it crept up on me. 'Well, our kid would be different'. What? I need a drink. This is not ME.
The process continues. I talk to husband. He is the king of 'our kid would be different', 'we would teach them proper behavior', 'its all in the parenting', 'we would be great parents'. Sigh. He's right. As weeks move into months, I find myself looking at babies and children out with their parents and thinking 'awwwee, he's so cute' and 'oh look, she has the most adorable curls!'. Then wanting to slap myself back into reality. Doesn't work.
Moving on. Husband is great with kids, loves them, and knows that he wants them. He's not particularly concerned with the timing. I analyze timeframes. When we should do what where is what I analyze. Husband is a laid back go with the flow man. Good thing - I need that balance.
Within this year, I've been having issues with ovarian cysts, missed periods, and lots of pelvic pain. Thus far, the obgyn tells me its not a huge concern but she can't rule out that it could lead to infertility problems. Infertility. Problems. Words like PCOS and Endometriosis. Huh? No. Not me. Is has been my choice to not have a child. My choice. After being married for 6 1/2 years, Don't tell me I can't. Have I waited myself out? I'm only 27 for the love of God. Obgyn's advice - either get on birth control or start trying to conceive. That's the only way to prevent the cysts. Reality check.
Therefore with my recent attraction to the possibility (keyword - possibility) of having a child, we have THE talk. On the way home from a Labor day trip to visit In-Laws, I corner husband into a serious chat. Wives, FYI, roadtrips are the BEST time for a serious chat with Husbands. They have zero distractions (well, besides other drivers and the radio, so I should say few distractions) so there is no other choice but to actually focus on the conversation and they can't get out of it. Where are they going to go? The backseat? Husband was quick to agree to start trying. We analyze, discuss. Final decision: We'll start trying. I analyze planning and timing. If I get pregnant in Sept, I might miss J's wedding (old friend). And if I get pregnant in Nov, we might miss J and C's wedding (cousin). I love wedding season. Hmm. Maybe Oct? But then it could come early, still knocking me out of J's wedding. Would I be a fat cow err I mean pregnant for a wedding? Ugh. That would kill me. Husband reminds me, it takes months to get pregnant. We'll just start and when it happens, it happens. Okay, I say. Agreed.
My fears: financial fears. protection fears. Daycare is damn expensive. How can we afford it? Money is short now as it is. Then to thrown a grand a month into daycare - hell, we could afford a second house payment for that price. Protection fear - and I think the reason I was so hesistant about kids from the get go - you can't protect your children. You can try. You can bust your ass to ensure their safety. You can do a background check on every person they might encounter. You can teach them don't talk to strangers. You can teach them to tell mommy and daddy is someone ever tries to hurt them. But you can't always be their protection. Ultimately, this is what scares me.
Moving on. We aren't trying. We are just seeing what happens so to speak. No protection. But not having sex every other day and checking my temperature. Just doing it and enjoying it. I've been overanalyzing my body. Was that a cramp? Do I feel nauseas? No, no. Its nothing. Wait, that was a cramp! Months of this would literally make me bonkers. Then back to my opening line of being a self doubter. Thursday night while in class (and needing to focus on Accounting!) my mind wanders to 'we cannot afford to have kids. Holy shit we will be SO broke! This is not a good time. Husband is still working on his bachelors. I am working on my masters. We neither one have an incredible paying job. Oh gees, I hope I'm not pregnant!' Today, Saturday, I'm back to the other side. 'We would manage. Everything would work itself out. No one is ever really ready! And the joy a baby would bring us would make it all worth it'.
Somehow, I've managed to convince myself (on most days!) that our child will be an angel, I'll loose all my baby weight plus a few pounds extra, and feel fabulous after childbirth! The financial and protection fears persist - this is where my doubting comes in. No way to know yet whether its already happened. Every other time I've taken a pregnancy test, I have been in complete fear of those two lines that mean pregnant! Now, I'm wanting the two lines? Am I? See - still doubting!!