Friday, September 14, 2007

Friends

"You should call Jay and Kara to see if they want to get together and watch the Steelers game some Sunday, ya know?" I have to throw in "ya know" on the end of many sentence to remind Husband that this requires a response. Often it seems that unless its posed as a question, he sees no reason for a verbal response. I, Wife, find this irritating and now finding myself adding "ya know" onto lots of my statements... ya know? lol.

"Oh yea, I should. It would be fun to watch the game with them cause I know they're big Steelers fans", Husband says.

"How do you know?"

"I grew up with Jay, I'm sure he is - how couldn't he be? He's from western PA. Kara? I'm sure she is too. She grew up right outside Pittsburgh."

"That doesn't mean she's into football though. She might root for the Steelers but, doesn't mean she's a steeler fanatic."

I'm sure she's a Steeler fan hon."

Dammit. I had hoped to have someone to talk with, at least a little bit, while we watch the Steelers games. I like football, don't get me wrong. But I also love conversation. Why do both at the same time? Makes sense to me. Anyway, Husband doesn't really know Kara so I'm hoping he's wrong and she isn't a fanatic over the Steelers. I'll know I'm wrong if we show up at the bar to meet them and she has her face painted black and gold, with a Ben Roethlisberger jersey on, and streamers tied in her hair. Yep, then I'll know.

Days later, I ask, "Oh hey, did you call Jay to see about the game?"

"Oh no, not yet. I will though."

We have this conversation at least two more times whereupon I decide to stop asking.

As Wife, I am the coordinator of our social life. I can't help but wish this weren't so at times. Why can't Husband coordinate a social gathering or two or twelve? Its odd because he loves to get together with friends, his and mine, have drinks, eat dinner, etc. Yet he never initiates this cause he's cool if it doesn't happen. Wife on the other hand, not so much. I need social gatherings, contact with friends on a daily basis, friends I can gab to, share stories with! These things don't matter to Husband. I sometimes wish I could be that way, so independently okay, not needing friends and social events on an ongoing basis. But hey, I'm SO done with trying to change myself. I accept and love myself (yes, a line I learned in counseling! lol).

Husband has not bothered to keep in touch with old friends, high school, college, cousins, or any others. If he runs into them or hears from them, its all this "hey man, great to see ya. how's it going" stuff, like they didn't miss a beat. I say, "don't you miss your old friends?" "Yeah, I do!" Um, okay? I don't get it. On the other hand, I though, have dedicated myself to keeping important friendships intact because I not only need them but enjoy them and couldn't imagine my life without them.

We all have different sets of friends. When you're in high school, you have a "crowd" that you hang with, creating first real friendship memories. These are the friends who you grouped with cause you had a hell of a good time together. Not because you necessarily bonded with each other maybe but - It was all about fun! My high school friend Brooke is my bud. I get together with her when I go home, we ponder on stories about before we had our license, lost our virginity, or got married. Same with high school friend, Steph. She's like my little sis and I'm protective of her.

Then, you move on to college and a mass of strangers. You have more choices and end up with people whom you have a real connection with, forming bonds and everlasting friendships. You chose these friends because they fit you. Robin, my BFF, I met in college and she's just like a sister. I love her and rely on her more than I can say. Something would be missing from my life without her friendship and love. I know that feeling is mutual too. I can also call up my friends Erin, Deana, or Amanda from college, though we've maybe not talked in a month or two, and we pick up where we last left off. I relish in these friendships - these are 'my girls'.

But then - we "grow up", get jobs, and move to cities where we are a stranger among many strangers, in a place where you aren't throw into the masses with folks in the same boat as you. Its not high school or college. Its your job. Its your neighborhood. You become friends with people who maybe you may never would befriended otherwise and/or some who you really connect with. You work with them for god's sake, spending 40 hours a week with them. How can you not become friends? They live down the street from you, so why not? You get to know them out of convenience. And your friendship group continues to expand... I have friends all over the states... 

So sets of friends develop. You have old friends (high school), college friends, neighborhood friends, work friends, church friends. You rely on these different groups of friends for different purposes. Some of them will last a lifetime and others will fade away along the circumstance that brought you together.

Husband and I got together last weekend with Michelle and Todd for lunch at Mad Mex (great cheap mex food in university city area of philadelphia btw!). Michelle is in my group of "work friends" but someone I would have been friends with no matter who, what, when. We email daily, share TMI with each other, and bullshit over silly stuff. Lunch was a great time, good conversation. Everyone always departs saying we should do it more often. Then get in our cars asking our spouses, why don't we hang out with them more often. My work friend Carolyn came over last weekend for wine and food on our deck. Great time. 'Why don't we do this monthly' I say. I'm planning a trip to DC (i'm social coordinator, remember) with Erin and Matt, Erin being a college friend. We've had to postpone this 3 times because we can't get our two sets of schedules to match with their two sets. We now say October! October we'll definitely do this. Yes, agreed.

Life and obligations kick in and we sometimes move these friendships to the back burner, attending to the necessities... then when we do see one another, we realize this is a necessity too! This is something as adults, we need. I vow to continue to carve out that much needed time with my friends... it validates who I am, cheers me on when life is great, and reminds me i'm not the only one that struggles when life throws things in my face.

Husband still hasn't called Jay and Kara. I know this, not because I asked, but because I am Wife:) Should I call them? But I barely know them! They are "his" friends... Come to think of it, I don't even know their phone numbers. Okay, I'm letting this go (another counseling line - love them! lol).

1 comment:

Tasida said...

You write very well.